Stay Alive Unrated Directors Cut

Cover Art and Menu: 2/10
The cover is typical and boring. The menu is kind of interesting, but you can refer to the extras to read more about the video game reference.

Extras & Features: 1/10

  • Visual Effects Reel – This is nothing more than some of the more action oriented scenes from the movie cut together like a music video.
  • Drawings To Final Scenes Music Video – A few clips of drawings of costumes and such from the movie edited in with scenes from the movie, once again, made into a music video.
  • Interactive Bonus Menus Design Your Own Character – At first glance this is a cool extra, and then the truth kicks in. You can switch the character, shirt, and weapon on the 3-D rendered person floating ominously on the menu. If you chose the “right” combination you get a prize. Well, a new menu, clip from the movie, whatever. It’s like an Easter Egg, but it sucks. So if you are willing to give away several minutes of your life seeing even more of this movie tragedy (It’s not a tragedy because of the story, it’s a tragedy the script was made into a movie.)
  • Filmmaker Audio Commentary – To be honest, I could not even be bothered. So, if it’s magnificent and makes the movie a masterpiece, please let me know. I’ll watch again and listen with great enthusiasm.

The Movie: 3/10
Ok, imagine your mind is big beautiful back yard. Waves of green if blowing in the wind and birds are chirping in your lovely trees. You take a walk in your bare feet to enjoy the thick luscious grass. All of a sudden, bada-bing, something unpleasant, mucky, and smelly squishes between your toes. At first you think it’s the pooch next door’s daily gift of recycled dog food. But what do we find upon closer inspection? Hmm, it’s Stay Alive!

At least dog shit has some good qualities like fertilizing your garden, it’s part of a natural process that helps keep your dogs healthy, and it even sends away certain little fuzzy creatures that might other wise invade your real back yard. But in the yard of the mind, we have to settle for movies like Stay Alive, to represent the feces category of the many annoyances in the world of entertainment.

Yes, I’m saying this movie stinks! I save up for many years at a time before I can unload a whole review devoted to a movie that truly is awful. I liked Gigli. I liked Jersey Girl. I liked Alexander, Troy, and several others that were not on anyone’s favorites lists. It’s time to get the scooper though, because I have found a pile of dung so potent, if I don’t get it out of my sight quickly, it will turn into something worse, like a special edition DVD, or lame cult classic for idiots.

Wait, this is the special edition! Yikes. This DVD has the director’s cut, which folds some content back into the final heap of poo poo. I can’t imagine this movie with anything else missing. I mean, at last count there is no story, no acting, no directing, no quality stunts, no exciting special effects. What else could they possibly have left out before they released it in theaters?

From our research around we find that two entire characters and semi-sub plots were cut back in for the version we watched. That tells me that anyone who did go to the theater to see it must have a permanent stink on their big toe, a stain on their mind that will never be forgotten. How sad.

Have I said anything positive in this review? Let me re-read (insert elevator/on-hold music)………. Nope, nothing positive so far. I feel kind of bad. What can I add that’s not all venomous and horrible? Let me think. (insert elevator/on-hold music, again) I like the hint of New Orleans. HINT! Unless I missed it in one of my many eye rolling moments, they never establish that they are in the southern queen city, or even in that general area where you often get the lush and intriguing atmosphere to add some interest to a story. They make references sometimes, but this movie is such a mess, you are never sure where or when you are. That’s an ok quirk if you are making a movie that’s good. Need I remind you this is not a well made movie?

Many of the special effects are boring, and poorly done. The video game segments are the best thing about the movie, and they are even pretty blah. I mean, unless you love watching people play video games, you will really not appreciate the scenes of being emerged in the 3-D world. Don’t get me started on the performances of this group of wretchedly written characters with their stereotypicalness. I couldn’t have cared any less if every last person on the movie got their pretty little throats damaged beyond repair…call me vicious, but remember, I’m unloading lots of negativity now that I’ve found a movie truly worthy of it.

To say Stay Alive is dog shit isn’t really fair. At least shit knows what it is and doesn’t try to hide behind token TV star (Malcolm in the Middle), bloody stunts, cultural icons like video games, cheeky fake modern geek speak, and sham spooky stories.

Value: 2/10
I don’t mean to be rude (=I am trying to be rude) but this DVD has no value. It will be on cable TV soon enough, I’m sure, and you are already paying for that, so no big loss. If you are determined to buy it, you will find it between 16-20 hard earned dollars. How can I say this with some tact? Um, don’t waste your money! I think that was pretty tactful, considering.

Overall Score 2/10