10,000 BC

Cover Art and Menus: 7/10
The cover tells a big story of man vs. beast. That’s caveman vs. Saber Tooth Tiger to be exact. It looks exciting and epic. Unfortunately the movie didn’t live up to that image exactly. The menu isn’t exciting or epic, just blah. I would say this is a case of a marketing team sweating bullets and trying too hard to sell a movie that does not sell itself.

Features: 2/10

  • Alternate Ending –  This is a different ending, but not really. It’s just a bit added in that implies a whole lot of stuff that got cut from the final movie. After watching this I thought, “hey, that means there will be a lot of good deleted scenes that might even add something to the movie.” I was wrong.
  • Additional Scenes (aka Deleted Scenes) – Hmmm, I have nothing to say about these “additional scenes”. Except this, they were obviously tossed onto the DVD purely for content, which means they need to go to DVD Making College again, because this does not qualify as content. Poor effort by who ever put this DVD together.

Movie: 3/10
I rarely come across a movie that I have to really work at when it comes to writing the review. That’s not entirely true. Average uninteresting flicks are the hardest to write about, and we do come across our fair share of those. This time, though, it’s not average that’s the problem, it’s just, um, well, it’s not a very good movie. There, I said it. I honestly do not dislike most movies. I do avoid the ones I think will be crap, so that accounts for the fact that I like 92.7% of what I see.

I had no expectations of 10,000 BC. I did have Apocalypto in my mind, which was excellent. I love to look back at that time in human history before the assholes of civilization decided to start ripping the world apart with their commerce and desire for gold.

That’s my take on it anyway. A-holes destroying the happier tribal earthy world that used to exist. My version of history is so much more interesting than those old dusty text books I was supposed to read back in my school days. Speaking of personalized history, that’s what category 10,000 BC might fall into. This is not about accuracy, but more about big events, big action, big ideas, but sadly the big big big falls short short short.

The Woolly Mammoths look good. The Weird bird dinosaurs look crappy and do not seem to make much sense in the whole scheme of things. The Saber Tooth Tiger looked like well done bad CGI, if you get my drift. It would have looked great in a video game, but it didn’t quite look right on the big screen. The pyramids looked very cool, but then they had to go put some CGI humans running around and that spoiled it…there’s a long list of what’s wrong, so I won’t bore you. Do you get the picture here, so many things going on, but none of them done really well. If the whole thing had been about Saber Tooth Tiger whispering, that would be fine, but they branched out too much and didn’t pull it all off well enough to make it all come together.

The time line is all wrong, fair enough. It’s a movie not a documentary. I can handle that, sort of. The idea that man was building pyramids in 10,000 BC, slave trading, writing, building ships, etc. it all feels like it goes beyond artistic license. Now, the reason for this is simple. A LOT of movies take liberties with historical accuracy, it’s true. We see bizarre futures, scrambled pasts, embellishments, and lots of cinematic fluffery. The thing is, when the movie is interesting, stimulating, exciting, or at least clever, funny, or so bloody you are distracted enough to forget the missteps, it seems to work out ok. This movie didn’t stimulate me, excite me, it wasn’t clever, no laughs, and about zero blood (which is the funniest thing about the whole movie, considering the grim nature of the whole thing, slavery, oppression, bird giant birds eating people in the jungle, human sacrifice, on and on and on.).

When a movie is like 10,000 BC, with its poor dialogue, poor story telling, unappealing acting, shiny glossy beautiful people with white teeth who are supposed to be barely out of the caveman days, can still take itself very seriously, come on, it’s uncomfortable at best. I liked one actor, Joel Virgel. He rescued me from complete let down, even though he wasn’t one of the leading lead characters; he was the best of the lot, for sure. The rest of the cast was forced, too perfect, too attractive, too boring, too Hollywood.

I love the ideas of this movie. I was excited to see the world in a time before humans took over. The concept of how the pyramids were built is amazing, I could look at it all day long. Wooly mammoths clumping around is very cool, until you toss CGI people in around their feet and then you get that, “oh crap, it looked good until you put the bad rag doll effects in there.” sensation. There wasn’t enough good stuff to keep my mind from wandering. I was focused on the negative so much because I didn’t have enough positive to keep me busy. It’s a shame, this could be a great big action flick on an epic scale, but it’s not. It’s going down in my cinema loving history as a badly made, overly ambitious, somewhat boring, “I wish I had watched something else instead” movie , which is something to behold because it doesn’t happen very often.

Freeze frame Joel Virgel for 108 minutes and then watch Apocalypo again…that sounds pretty good.

Value: 2/10
Obviously I’m not a big fan of this movie overall. I have a slim margin of folks who would like or even try to appreciate it, so I have to say it’s a rental. Rent the Blu-Ray version if you can, just to make it look as good as possible and get your money’s worth.

Overall Score 3/10